The Parable of Long Spoons

I’ve noticed a shift in responses to the COVID-19 outbreak. A shift from crisis mode to grief mode, and two themes of grief standout this week especially:

1. We are grieving the loss of what we know.

2. We are being faced with both our own grief and each other’s grief. And grief is never linear, or matches perfectly with how others are grieving.

While researching what fellow mental health professionals are saying about the theme of community grief, I came across The Parable of Long Spoons. If you aren’t familiar with this folklore story, I am so excited to share it. (The short and sweet, quick to the point version of it). I think this is such a perfect reminder of empathy, perspective, and finding light in the darkness, together. I think the story also highlights another theme- the theme of having to be adaptive and rely on each other. Something that can be scary, but also needed for survival.  

The Parable of Long Spoons (A cliff-notes version):

A man is led into an elaborate banquet hall. He smells delicious food and hears people gathered around a table. He then notices that each person has a spoon with a handle so long, it is impossible for them to actually feed themselves and eat any food. They all sit around the table feeling helpless and hungry.

The man is then led into another banquet hall, where he again smells delicious food and hears people gathered around a table. They each have spoons with long handles that make it impossible for them to feed themselves. This time though, the people use their own spoons to feed each other. Each person is able to eat and no one goes hungry.

The Week of Banana Bread

This has been a tough week. I can feel it. Both as a therapist and as a human being. In speaking with my friends, family, and patients, there have been mixed feelings across the board. I’m even struggling as a mental health provider to find a way to package advice to the general public, because people are being impacted so severely in different ways. I know people who have lost family members to COVID-19; I know people who have been sick; I know people who have lost their jobs; and I know people who are feeling really helpless and isolated. I also know people who report feeling “okay today but yesterday was hard.”

Social media has become, as always, both a comfort and a stressor. The spectrum of emotions is apparent on Instagram in the form of this week’s newest phase of baking banana bread. People either seem to be proudly showcasing baked goods or mocking the concept with eye rolls and jokes. It sounds a bit trivial and silly, but I do think it represents the wide range of how people are both feeling and coping.

Below are thoughts/feelings that others have shared with me over the past week:

Overwhelmed

Anxious

Bored

Frustrated

Grateful

“Being a mom is brutal right now”

“I had a great day with my kids today”

Irritated

Isolated

Helpless

Scared

Angry

Sad

Safe

Heartbroken

“I’m not doing enough”

“Others have it worse and I shouldn’t complain”

Supported

Loved

Numb

“I see everyone making banana bread and I don’t get it”

“I made banana bread today and it was the best day”

It almost seems that each week offers a new challenge or an additional wave of emotions. And you may be riding a different wave of emotions than other people in your closest circles. And that’s okay. Maybe we should take things week by week. Maybe mental health advice will shift as we all shift through this stressful time, together. I do know that through all the emotions, hopefulness is something that we can collectively grab onto. And right now, that may be something really small and simple. So, my advice for getting through this next week:

Find your Banana Bread.

For some, literally. For others, something that offers you a pause, a positive feeling, or something to look forward to.  Write it down as your tool for the next day.

Coping with COVID-19

The internet world has been completely inundated with tips on how to cope with the recent COVID-19 outbreak and subsequent social distancing to flatten the curve. The past few weeks (and most likely, the next few weeks) will include uncertainty around work, the economy, school, relationships, and transitioning to a life at home, literally. As a psychologist/ mental health provider (and fellow human) I’ve listened to numerous podcasts, live chats, and have read articles on the best ways to manage anxiety and stress during this time. My biggest take away is there is a lot of great advice. Lots. And lots. And that can feel overwhelming. So at the end of the day, please please please, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Your feelings, circumstances, and living situations are unique to you. And while there is absolute power in community and knowing that we are all in this together- the actions you take and how you cope should be based on what is best for you/your family.

Some tips for coping with COVID-19:

1.     Whatever you are feeling is valid and okay! Try not to judge yourself for feeling what you are feeling. Also know that all feelings come, stay, and then go.

2.     Social distancing does NOT necessarily equal rest and relaxation. Should you carve out time to self-reflect, engage in self-care, and spend quality time with friends/family whether that’s face to face or through Facetime? Absolutely. Is using a pandemic to “get in the best shape of your life” a good idea? Probably not.  Try to stay away from the extremes of “I’m going to do so many things during this time” and “I’m going to lay on the couch all day because there is nothing to do.” Finding a middle ground is the most productive.

3.     Make sure you have a basic needs plan. How often do you need to get groceries? How are going you to get groceries? What are finances going to look like in 2 weeks? In one month? Try not to catastrophize (i.e., buying toilet paper to last you a year) and instead give your best estimate of what you need. As of now, grocery stores, pharmacies, and needed supply stores are all open. Online shopping/delivery is also available, although with shipping delays so you may need to plan for that.

4.     Have a support system that actually offers support. This means having regular check-ins with friends/family/co-workers who actually make you feel good when you speak with them. If speaking with a certain family member/colleague/or friend group leaves you feeling drained, try to limit contact and set up a boundary that you are comfortable with (i.e., setting a Facetime time limit with certain people, sending a text that says “I just need some alone time today, I will call you tomorrow,” or telling a friend, “I understand you are feeling anxious, would you mind if we didn’t talk about the coronavirus today?”).

5.     Create a routine to the best of your ability. Again, do what works for you. If scheduling your entire day helps you to feel grounded, then great! If you need to feel that you have room for flexibility, that’s fine too. I really believe in having “anchors” to your day. One thing that you do in the morning, and one thing that you do at the end of the day, every day.

6.      Limit news intake. Try and ask yourself “Is this helpful for me to know right now?” If the answer is yes, decide which news sources you trust and stick with them (the CDC, medical professionals, updates from your Governor). If the answer is no, get in the habit of turning it off/stepping away for the time being.

7.     Finally, practice SELF COMPASSION and seek professional help if needed. Be gentle with yourself during this time, and know you are doing the best you can. If you feel that speaking with a therapist would be helpful, please seek support. Telehealth options allow access to therapists all over the country who are trained to provide amazing professional support.